BY MOLLY PIELS and MAIRIN ODLE

In print | January 31, 2008

In a phrase, this column will be Etiquette 102. We’re going to assume everyone at such a prestigious institution has mastered the basics, like which fork is the oyster fork and how to properly greet a Saudi prince; so, this column will focus on the finer points of etiquette: daily interactions at Swarthmore College.

One of the major themes in our conversations of the past four years has been the impolite and inconsiderate things that other people do. It isn’t us, certainly; it’s got to be everyone else. It wasn’t because Mairin was trying to pick around all the onions in the stir-fry line; it was because everyone else was being impatient. It wasn’t because Molly just had to catch up with her friends in front of the juice dispenser, either; it was because everyone else was experiencing an irrational desire to drink juice right then. We don’t mean you, our Dear Readers, of course, we still mean, “everyone else.”

We’ve dealt with our etiquette frustrations in a variety of ways, some more fruitful than others. Passive aggressive tactics have been surprisingly effective. There are rude ways to be passive aggressive, but for the most part, we’ve remained polite. Confrontation, in some form, is necessary. It’s just an issue of picking the right way.

Like all Swatties, we tend to be pretty conflict-averse. When we say “confrontation,” we don’t mean to imply a 2 a.m. screaming battle between you and your neighbor and his girlfriend over “practicing their lines for Acting I,” or any kind of contact at all with anyone whose actions do not affect you. We mean that you need to find a way of letting that person or group of people know what behavior is bothering you. Staring at them will only make them think they have spinach in their teeth or that you are madly in love with them. Humor is recommended. Shouting is not.

We have left a few anonymous notes signed by the Etiquette Fairy in etiquette problem spots. This has been effective: the people engaging in rude behaviors have stopped, but they haven’t been publicly humiliated (yet) and we haven’t made any enemies (yet). If you adopt this tactic, we request that you not try to blame it on us if it backfires. If it works, we take full credit.

There are a lot of situations in which this could not possibly work. It’s one thing to leave a note at the dorm kitchen sink asking people not to dump macaroni and pizza crusts down the drain, but leaving a note on a cell-phone-lover’s thesis carrel is not OK. This is a personal problem and it should be settled face-to-face as privately as possible. Making someone else’s lack of consideration an opportunity to display your deep understanding of propriety will only make you look like the jerk you are. It’s important to keep rudeness in perspective. Ultimately, it’s not so serious that it requires knives, arm waving or even raising your voice. Approach the person, say, “Excuse me, but do you mind not doing X?” And when they comply, don’t forget to say, “Thank you.” It’s that simple.

In some cases, you may not feel comfortable confronting another person at all. This is a good opportunity to make your RA earn that humongous single room, parking space and paycheck. Off the hall, it’s just like when in third grade you learned about “stranger danger;” the trick is to find the nearest authority figure and ask him or her to handle it for you. You can also go somewhere else. This isn’t letting the guy who put his unshod feet up on the table win; this is you valuing your health above making a point.

It’s probably not a good idea to stew about it and get angrier. That won’t work. We’ve tested it to death. For our Dear Readers out there who have etiquette anger issues and no Phoenix column in which to vent them, we make the following offer: If there is a reasonably common practice that is generally inconsiderate, feel free to write to us about it and we’ll address it in our column. Maybe the people engaging in this activity will read the column. Maybe they won’t. But if you highlight it appropriately and slip it under their door, we guarantee they’ll figure out that something is wrong.

Mairin and Molly are seniors. You can reach them at lodle1@swarthmore.edu and mpiels1@swarthmore.edu.

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