BY KEVIN FRIEDENBERG

In print | February 15, 2007

They have something over there across the pond in Europe, something dangerous, something terrifying, something … hilarious. It is known as football hooliganism, and the mindset of the people who partake in it must be extraordinary. Now I admit that the closest I have come to seeing a football hooligan is watching “Eurotrip” and “Green Street Hooligans,” but every now and then you hear of some of the tomfoolery that these people engage in. I have to admit that probably my personal favorite instance is one where I heard that a man made a wager that if his team won the championship game of the Premiership in England, he would cut off his own testicles. Sure enough they did, and he did, and now they adorn the counter of his favorite dive, in a jar. Awesome. It makes me wonder, though, if the fans who attend the soccer games at Swarthmore are really as hardcore as they say.

What could possibly motivate these people? I mean, everyone chants at games and jeers the opposing team, but I have not once brought Molotov cocktails or traffic signs to Clothier Field to throw when I disagree with the officiating. I once read that in the Netherlands, over 300 soccer fans fought against policemen for three days because one soccer match was canceled. Kids in England can now trade more than just cards of football stars; now they can trade “Little Hooliganz,” a brand of action-figure that comes complete with a Manchester United jersey and brass knuckles.

Sure, I don’t like it when the other team’s fans get on our case at games, but that doesn’t mean that I and 7,000 of my closest friends will coordinate a fight using text messages, Internet forums and GPS. Isn’t technology wonderful? Let’s not forget love, because even football hooligans must feel some emotion.

How about when a lady in England murdered her husband in order to keep his season tickets when she heard he was planning on giving them up? I only hope my wife will be so loyal. I wouldn’t put it past the average drunk soccer hooligan to sell his or her own child into slavery to settle the debts from the last game’s bets, of course so that new bets may be made.

It’s gotten to the point that before the World Cup this past summer, England temporarily cancelled the passports of thousands of known football hooligans, and also had Scotland Yard ship some of its most soccer-hooligan-experienced bobbies to Germany in order to contain the certain violence. One person on the web site http://www.HooliganFC.com is worried that people associate soccer hooligans with thugs and street criminals and that a set of “ethics” should be set in place. Now where would people get that idea? Football club Deportivo Moron in Argentina is being forced to play all of their home matches this season at a pitch where no, I repeat no, fans of the team are allowed in. This is a direct result of a large-scale riot from December. Bummer.

Apparently in London, football hooliganism is a crime. It’s an actual crime, just being a soccer hooligan. That is too funny. Web site http://www.Hooli-news.co.uk mentions an instance in 2004 where over 300 English fans stormed a Portuguese pub holding women and children. It took 70 police officers, a helicopter and 14 vans to finally get control of the situation. The result? The generous taxpayers then covered a 35,000-pound fee. Gee, thanks, guys!

Seriously, though, football hooligans pose a real threat to the game and its enjoyment by fans all over the world. But even the Easter Bunny has to chuckle when he hears about the mischievous manner of the football hooligans. For my own safety, though, please leave your lead pipe and brass knuckles at home for the next home soccer game. I appreciate it.

Kevin is a first-year. You can reach him at kfriede1@swarthmore.edu.

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