BY THE FRENCH BLOB

In print | April 1, 2004

Ha ha! I have successfully hijacked an opinions column! [Arthur, I do apologize for locking you in the bathroom. I promise never to do it again.] La la laaaa … Hey, where are all the pictures? Boring! Oh, well, if I must opinionate, here I present to you The French Blob’s Earth-Shattering Opinions On the Hot Topics of Today! (Bo-ring.)

On pigeon death: I’m for it, 100 percent.

On George Walker Bush: It seems some people have been under the faulty assumption that I have a negative relationship with our nation’s fine president. Come now, one needn’t be a liberal simpleton. According to cartoon logic, the man is brilliant. Now, if he had used ACME missiles, or even airdropped some anvils to the Iraqi people, his approval ratings would be clear through the roof. There is nothing more farcical than a war against terrorism. That said, could you possibly imagine an entertaining cartoon about budget surpluses and multilateral diplomacy? Puh-leez. You people have no sense of humor.

On Hello Kitty: See, now we’ve hit the rivalry on the head. I’ll let you in on a little secret that only cartoon characters know about … The cat is a total junkie. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that vacant look in her eyes or her perpetual state of gladness. She is undoubtedly the Janis Joplin of the cartoon world. I was talking to Badtz-Maru (Hello Kitty’s cynical penguin companion) about her little problem, which he attributes to the mounting pressures of celebrity. She is single-handedly holding up the Japanese economy, after all. The kitty has also been suspected of bankrolling deadly Colombian drug cartels to feed her coke habit. And to think we’ve trusted our innocent children with her!

*On sexuality: *Ewwww! I’m only 3 years old! That’s just sick. I don’t even like the sound of the word “orifice.” Blech.

*On race relations: *You think you’ve got it bad? As a blob, I don’t qualify for a library card or even social security benefits when I retire. I’ve been denied French citizenship so many times that I may just stop trying. And you don’t want to know how often my boy, 40 Oz., has tried to cut a hip-hop track with Kanye West — just to get laughed out of the studio! It’s a wonder how we get out of bed in the morning.

On the Pillar of Moral Rectitude: She was kind of disturbed by “The Passion” but not enough to make her stop laughing. Her undying love for the Lord Jesus Christ inspired her to replace her bow with a hefty crown of thorns. It’s actually kind of weird how much she likes it. She asked me if I could get her a big, wooden crucifix for her birthday. She also wanted to pass this along this piece of advice: You may eat any animal that has a split hoof divided in two and that chews the cud. However, of those that chew the cud or that have a split hoof completely divided, you may not eat the camel, the rabbit or the coney. (Deuteronomy 14:6-7) Amen.

*On those overpriced stress balls that are really just balloons filled with sand: * I must confess, a tear rolls from my eye every time one of my fellow blobs is squeezed and tortured under the brutal iron grip of mankind. Have you people no soul? Have you not another way to relieve your own pain than to inflict greater pain upon others? I have recently been involved in organizing a liberation movement for my rotund rubber cousins. If you would like to join Operation Freedom Blob, the first step is to sneak over to your local distributor of these so-called “stress balls” (better known to as Uncle Ned, Aunt Sally, and Grandpa Bob), buy out the store’s inventory, and when no one’s looking, set the blobs free in the Crum! Not everyday do we have the opportunity for such magnanimous acts of heroism. [This column was sponsored by the Swarthmore College Bookstore.]

The End! Arthur, you can come out of the bathroom now.

The French Blob is a figment of your imagination. In spite of this, you can reach her at fblob1@swarthmore.edu.

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